Going to a concert by myself

1/20/22

Hey guys, I just went to a concert by myself. Before I tell u this story, you need to know two things about me. One- and I don’t know how to say this without sounding like an annoying teenage girl (even though I am an annoying teenage girl) but I LOVE LOVE concerts. Like so much I can’t even put into words how much I love them. Ask my friends, siblings, parents. They’ve seen me sobbing on the floor after watching videos from the concert I went to, told me to shut up because I wouldn’t stop talking about a concert, and heard me say multiple times that I want to die right at this moment because there is no way I will experience more happiness in my life than I have felt going to a concert (that was the HAIM concert and that was still the best day of my life.) Second thing is that at home, there were some things I couldn’t do on my own. I couldn’t go out on my own and do simple things like shopping, going through drive thru and ordering food, or eating at a restaurant alone. Those things scared me, and many times, I needed a friend or sibling to come with because I felt so uncomfortable or anxious doing those things on my own. Multiple times I decided not to go out because I was too nervous to do it by myself.

Okay, so now the story.

I bought wallows tickets at the beginning of exchange. I thought eventually I would find a friend to come with me, but that didn’t end up happening. A week before wallows, I figured I was going to this concert alone. That scared me a lot because I’ve only gone to concerts with friends before. It’s so intimidating to see a concert on your own. Like, what do you do when you’re waiting in line with no one to stand with? What do you do when you are waiting for the opener and everyone’s talking with their friends and you don’t have someone to talk to? Who do you sing the songs with or make little comments to during the show? Who do you dance with? I kept thinking things like that. But, I wanted to go because I love the band and I love concerts. I thought that this could be a fun challenge for me. If I go to this concert alone, maybe make some friends, and enjoy the band and music, that would be a huge win for me. I could have never done this in Houston. But a few days before the concert, I was starting to get really anxious to go to the concert alone. I was thinking about buying a ticket for a friend so they could come with me or deciding to just not go to the concert. Even a few hours before the concert, I called my friend Alex and asked her if I should just not go. I’m really good at cancelling plans and making up excuses. Sometimes my brain just shuts down and I make up my mind that I will not do something and that’s that. I could feel myself being close enough to shutting down and deciding to just skip the concert altogether. But, I decided to go. Ultimately I decided to go because even though my mom said I could just skip and it’s okay to say no to something you’re not comfortable doing, I knew deep down, that I felt comfortable traveling to the city and getting myself to the venue. The thing that made me uncomfortable was being alone amongst people that were not alone. And that’s an uncomfortableness I can fully control. This kind of uncomfortable was something that I could either let myself feel or decide that I didn’t have to feel. I’m proud of myself because I knew that this was something I wanted for myself- a chance for me to be comfortable in being alone in public.

The funny thing is that the two things I mentioned about myself before this story both changed in a way.

Being alone

I got ready, took the train, went to the venue, and got into the music hall. Immediately, I hit it off with two girls that also happened to be alone. Within minutes, I was fine, more than fine. This was a big lesson for me. To just go through with things. Who knows what will happen. I went, and I had so much fun. I faked it til I made it, and it payed off. I am normally terrified to start a conversation, ask strangers for help, be assertive. But I ended up doing all those things. I talked to different people. I asked some strangers in line where the main entrance was, asked security how to close my locker, and cut people in line to get my vip merch. The cutting wasn’t so nice but I wasn’t buying anything, I just needed to pick something up so there’s me justifying my cutting. I would never have had the guts to do this at a concert back home. But back home, I could rely on my friends to take the initiative. Here, I took care of myself and that made me feel so amazing and capable and cool.

Now that the concert happened, I keep thinking what if I hadn’t had gone. I would’ve regretted it so much. Another thing. I ended up meeting some school friends at the end of the concert. I said goodbye to the new friends I made, and one of my school friends said “how can you make friends with anyone?” That baffled me. This whole time, I was flipping out because I was scared to be alone. I think this goes to show that 1) you never really know what a person is thinking, feeling, facing regardless of what we see on the outside and 2) sometimes you need to do things on your own. I constantly compare myself to others and have been jealous of people who I thought were better than me in some ways. Whether it’s that they are smarter than me, more sociable, or more flexible in situations and can go with the flow. Seeing someone think of me as someone who I don’t see myself as was weird. But it made me understand how ridiculous it was for me to be comparing myself to all those people I didn’t know. Everyone goes through their own set of mental obstacles in one way or another, and comparing yourself to others is such a time suck. If only my school friend knew that I was this close to not going to the concert in the first place. And I guess I am making friends, but it’s only because I’m alone. When I go to concerts with my friends, I never make new friends. But the times I have made new friends were when I was alone or when another person was alone and my group adopted them into our group. It is so hard to meet new people and try new things when you have people to depend on. It’s way scarier to do things alone (especially when everyone else is not), but the result of doing things by yourself can be way more rewarding. It also can go horribly. But, I think, at the end of the day I would rather risk a few embarrassing or not great experiences for the chance to have an amazing experience where I can meet new people, have new adventures, and learn new things instead of living my life comfortably with no growth and nothing new.

My love for concerts

Going to this concert felt different. One of my favorite moments during a concert is when the lights go dark then go full of color and the audience goes crazy because they know the show is about to start. Then the band walks on. I would see those people on stage and think that they are not human. They are definitely some kind of level of human that is above the regular human. But when wallows went on, they were just people. They looked like normal people. And when I was watching the concert, it wasn’t the same as when I was at the Haim concert or the Aces concert. When I would go to a concert, I always felt like I was in a dream and that this concert was the best moment of my life, and then after, I would feel big post-concert depression. But, it was my favorite thing ever- to love something that much and to be able to finally find it and experience it. And I knew and even told myself, that the way I’m feeling at every concert won’t always last and be so great and amazing every time. And now that what I knew would happen just happened, it feels bittersweet.

Bitter because I want to feel dizzy with excitement at every concert I go to for the rest of my life. And bitter because, does this mean I’m growing up? Now, my friends are moving out of their childhood homes. They’re in new cities, new states, new countries. Our parents are talking to us like we’re older, we’re starting to see our futures as adults getting closer and closer, and we’re the ones making our own decisions that directly affect us. We are the sole protectors of our mental health right now. We are deciding how to spend our time. We are living on our own. So, even though it might sound a little crazy how worked up I am about seeing the artists on stage as normal, regular people, this to me, means that I’m growing up. Weirdly enough, it wasn’t turning 18, graduating high school, moving to another country, or living on my own. It was going to a wallows concert. Funny, right?

It’s beginning to feel like we’re starting to grow up. That’s also the sweet part. Last night, I found myself not just looking at the band like I always do, but noticing the other parts of the concert. The light fixtures, the set design, the crew running around backstage, the backup musicians, the sound person. Towards the end of the concert, their photographer came to barricade right in front of me and started shooting. I was right behind him, so I could see the shots he got and how he was taking the pictures. One of my goals is to work as a concert photographer at one point in my life. This experience has made me hopeful. Now, I see these artists and their team as people who are on the same level as me. Not someone I worship or someone I think is better than me, but people I respect and want to work with. And that thinking comes from me realizing my self-worth. And how cool is that?! How cool am I??

The last thing I want to say is that I still miss home. After the concert, when I got home and started writing this, I immediately texted my friends I always go to concerts with. I told them that I had just went to a concert and it was so much fun, but I missed singing with them, screaming with them, camping outside and waiting in the Houston heat with them, and driving back home from the concert with them. Even though concerts in Europe are way better (tickets are way cheaper, people don’t push in the crowd, and security takes care of us and gives us water), concerts hit different at home. I even miss being dehydrated and not being able to feel my legs and getting pushed around by annoying Americans. So, even though this takes a lot for me to say (people that know me know), Houston is home and it is one of my favorite places in the world.

-Amelia